(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(SONG PLAYING IN HINDI)
(WIND WHOOSHING)
Kinda lonesome back here.
(MUMBLING) (GRUNTS) Yeah, little help.
Okay, um, just, I have to keep my hands on the wheel.
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)
Excuse me. Whoo!
(CHUCKLES) Ah, Dopinder.
Pool. Dead.
Hmm, nice.
DOPINDER: Smells good, no?
Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl.
Ah, yes. Gita.
Hmm. She is quite lovely.
She would have made me a very agreeable wife.
But, um...
Site's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu.
He is as dishonorable as he is attractive.
Dopinder, I'm starting to think
there's a reason I'm in this cab today.
Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember?
No, my slender brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing.
When you find it, the whole world
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.
(DOPINDER GRUNTS)
So you gotta hold onto love...
...tight! Ah.
And never let go.
Don't make the same mistakes I did.
Got it? Yeah.
Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga.
(STUTTERS) Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like?
Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. Okay, enough.
I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad!
Hmm, it's bad.
Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.
And I'm after someone on my naughty list.
I've been waiting one year, three weeks...
six days and, oh...
14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
This Shit...
Boo!
(CHOPPER BLADES WHIRRING)
(SIGHS)
They won't disappoint.
They'd better not.
And what about next month's shipment?
There won't be one.
You're not the only one with a war to win.
That won't do.
See, we've had this small disruption
to our supply chain...
(CHOKING)
We'd appreciate your patience.
(GRUNTS) Okay.
We'll deliver in full the following month.
(GASPING)
Pleasure doing business with you.
Fucking mutant.
(ENGINES ROARING)
Oh, shit!
I forgot my ammo bag.
Shall we turn back?
No, no time.
Fuck it. I got this.
9,10,11,12 bullets, or bust.
Right here! (GRUNTS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
That's, uh, $27.50.
LH.lnever carry a wallet when I'm working.
Ruins the lines of my suit.
Oh. But, uh,
how about a crisp high five?
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool!
Hey, yeah I wanna shoop, baby
(WADE SINGING) Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
You're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back
Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that
Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie?
If looks could kill you would be an uzi
You're a shotgun, bang!
Wha... Oh!
Oh, hello. I know, right?
Whose balls did I have to fondle
to get my very own movie?
I can't tell you,
but it does rhyme with "Polverine."
And let me tell you,
he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.
Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and, oh...
Bad guys to kill.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Maximum effort.
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
WADE: Cock shot.
(SCREAMING)
(MOCKINGLY) Ha!
(GRUNTS)
Rich Corinthian leather.
WADE: I'm looking for Francis!
Have you seen this man? (GROANS)
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. (RADIO STATIONS CHANGING)
WADE: Ow. Ow!
Yanky, yanky!
(GUN FIRES) (SCREAMS)
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
(WADE GASPS) (GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
(MAN GROANING) (CAR ACCELERATING)
(GRUNTING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
WADE: I've never said this, but don't swallow.
(MAN GROANING)
(GUN COCKS)
(GRUNTS)
Shit.
Did I leave the stove on?
(THUD5)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
REPORTER: Now, breaking news.
A multi-car collision turned shots fired
on the crosstown expressway this morning.
Gridlock has kept police from the scene.
Residents are advised to remain in their homes.
The assailant appears to be armed,
dangerous, and wearing...
a red suit. A red suit.
DeadpooL
Negasonic! Come, we have mission.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD: Colossus, wait up.
I've given Deadpool every chance to join us...
but he'd rather act like a child.
A heavily-armed child.
When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man?
Which benefits? The matching unitards?
The house that blows up every few years?
Please.
House blowing up builds character.
You ate breakfast, yes?
Breakfast is most important meal of day.
Here, protein bar. Good for bones.
Deadpool may try to break yours.
(JET ENGINE ROARING)
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
MAN: Get out of the way!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING AND SCREAMING)
WADE: Hey! Whoo! (GUNS FIRING)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
WADE: Wait!
You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?"
Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed.
This guy's got the right idea.
He wore the brown pants.
(GUN FIRING)
Fine! I only have 12 bullets...
so you're gonna have to share!
Let's count them down.
(GUN FIRING)
(GROANING)
(FIRING CONTINUES)
(GROANS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Shit.
Motherfucker!
10! Shit!
Nine. Fuck.
Eight.
Shit-fuck!
(GRUNTS)
Bad Deadpool.
Seven. Good Dead pool.
(BULLETS RICOCHETING)
(GUN COCKS)
Oh!
(GRUNTS)
(GUN CLICKING)
Someone's not counting. Six. (G ROANS)
(GUN FIRING)
(EXPLODING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(MACHINE GUN FIRING) Oh!
(GROANS) Four...
(GUN FIRES) (GROANS)
Gotcha.
(GRUNTS)
Right up main street.
Three, two!
Stupid! Worth it.
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
(GUN FIRES)
(ALL GROANING)
(CLINKS)
(SNIFFING)
Ah!
I'm touching myself tonight.
Francis!
Francis...
What the shit-biscuit!
Where you at, Francis?
(GROANING)
(GROANING LOUDLY)
You're not Francis.
Really? Rolling up the sleeves?
(GROANS)
WADE: You're probably thinking,
"My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie...
"but that guy in the red suit just turned
"that other guy into a fucking kabab!"
Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero.
And yeah, technically, this is a murder.
But some of the best love stories start with a murder.
And that's exactly what this is, a love story.
And to tell it right...
I gotta take you back to long before
I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
MERCHANT: Look, would it help if I slow it down for you?
I didn't order the pizza.
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant?
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie!
Then who placed the call?
WADE: I did!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Pineapple and olive?
Sweet and salty.
The fuck are you?
The fuck you doing in my crib...
Is it burnt crust?
I... God, I hope not. Um...
Whoa... Man, look, if this is about that poker game.
I told Howie, I told him that...
Okay, uh, look, just take whatever you want.
Thanks.
Sir, before you do anything to him,
do you mind if I get a big tip?
(CHUCKLES) Uh, Jeremy, is it?
Umm-hmm. Wade. Wade Wilson.
That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer.
I'm not here for him.
I'm here for you.
On. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet onthatone.
Not out of the woods yet. (GROANS)
You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling.
They're jeans, not a chandelier.
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me.
Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card...
I will shoot your fucking cat!
I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat.
Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?
Anyhoo, tell me something...
what situation isn't improved by pizza?
Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky?
Getting that right? Orflosky?
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.
Because she knows you.
Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys
who take a dime to beat a fella down.
And little Meghan, she's not made of money,
but lucky for her...
I got a soft spot.
But I'm a... A stalker.
Threats hurt, Jer.
Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel.
So keep away from Meghan.
Cool?
Yes, sir.
Then we're done.
Wait. (CHUCKLES SLOWLY) We are?
Yeah. We're totally done. (LAUGHS)
You should've seen your face.
I didn't know what to do. I was so scared.
Soft spot, remember?
(WHIMPERS)
You even look in her general direction again...
and you will learn in the worst of ways
that I have some hard spots too.
That came out wrong.
Or did it?
(WHIMPERING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
Mmm... Meghan?
You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry.
No friggin' way.
Should've brought my roller blades.
Show these kids how it's done.
Oh. And that's why we do it. But mostly the money.
Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad?
I give a guy a pavement facial,
it's because he's earned it.
Hey, wait!
You're my hero.
No-no-no-no. That I ain't!
WADE: Nope. Never will be.
Oh. Fuck you, Wade.
I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
It's like a job fair for mercenaries.
Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies...
except we knock out the teeth and take the cash.
You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card.
Buck! Liefeld...
BUCK: Hey, Wade!
Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful.
What can I do for you?
I'd love a Blow Job.
Oh, God, me too.
The drink, moose knuckle. But first...
Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right?
Make sure that gets back to Ms...
Orlovsky.
Yeah, her.
You sure? Hmm.
You know, for a mere, you're pretty warm-blooded.
Ibetyoulet the kid off easy, too.
Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas.
Just a little light stalking.
I was way worse than him when I was his age.
I was traveling to exotic places...
Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville,
meeting new and exciting people. And then, uh...
Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your lnstagram.
So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway?
That's classified.
(WHISPERS) They have a wonderful TGl Fridays.
All right, Kahlua, Baileys and...
whipped cream.
I give you a Blow Job.
Why do you make me make that?
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
Take that over to Buck please,
and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay.
Remind me what good will come of this?
I don't take the shits. I just disturb them.
BUCK: Boothe! Oh!
Easy, man. Hold up! Hold up!
What you want?
(GRUNTS) (ALL EXCLAIMING)
Cheers. To your health. WEASEL: Fuck you.
BOOTHE: Come here, you fat fuck!
That's a new stool.
(ALL CLAMORING)
BUCK: Stay the fuck down.
(GROANS)
MAN: Whoa! Took his ass out!
WEASEL: All right, move. Move, move, move.
Buck, go rest.
MAN: Boothe got hit then went down.
Yeah, he's still breathing.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Nobody wins today.
Nice try, Wade.
You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool.
Who did you pick?
Yeah, Wade, about that, um...
No.
You did not bet on me to die.
You bet on me to die. Wow!
Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend.
Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102.
And then dying. Like the city of Detroit.
I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money.
I never win anything.
Whatever.
Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!
(ALL CHEERING)
Domestic, nothing imported.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad?
Uh... Tight.
Vanessa. Wade.
What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?
I'd hit that.
Buck, you best apologize before...
(GASPS) Yeah, that.
Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.
I'm sorry. Breathe through the nose.
I don't have a filter between my brain and my...
Let go. Okay. Hey,oh,oh,oh“.
Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.
I'm working on it.
Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell.
Hey. Hands off the merchandise.
Merchandise? Huh...
So you, uh...
bump fuzzies for money?
Yep. Rough childhood?
Rougher than yours.
Daddy left before I was born.
Daddy left before I was conceived.
Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
Where else do you put one out?
I was molested.
Me too. Uncle.
Uncles. They took turns.
I watched my own birthday party
through the keyhole of a locked closet...
which also happens to be my...
Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.
(GASPS) You had a dishwasher.
I didn't even know sleep.
It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags,
brownie mix and clown porn.
(LAUGHS)
Who would do such a thing?
Hopefully you, later tonight?
Hey, what can I get for, uh, $275 and a...
a Yogurtland rewards card?
Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want.
And a low-fat dessert.
Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?
It's time to put balls in holes.
You said whatever I want.
I get it.
You love skee ball.
Apparently more than you love vagina.
That's a tough call. (SCOFFS)
(STUTTERS) I just wanna get to know the real you, you know.
Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional
sex object peddled by Hollywood.
VANESSA: Balls in holes.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Balls in holes.
Prepare to lose tragically.
Bring it, big man.
Okay.
(MOCKING SCOOBY-DOO) Uh-oh.
The limited edition
Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor.
Okay. Here we go.
Had my eye on this sucker for a while.
And I will take the pencil eraser.
BOY: Okay.
You are now the protector of the planet Arus.
And you can erase stuff...
written in pencil.
M'lady?
Well, I hate to break it to you...
but your 48 minutes are up.
Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this?
FYI, five mini lion-bots come together
to form one super-bot, so...
Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes.
Deal.
What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds?
Cuddle?
(MOANING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
How long can you keep this up?
All year?
(CHUCKLES)
(CONTINUES MOANING)
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Chinese New Year.
Year of the Dog.
(EXHALES)
Relax.
And Happy International Women's Day.
(WHIP CRACKS)
(GROANS) No. No. No.
Happy Lent.
(MOANING)
Ow, ow.
Wade'? Sorry.
Happy Halloween.
(LAUGHS)
(CONTINUES MOANING)
Happy Thanksgiving.
I love you.
If your left leg is Thanksgiving...
and your right leg is Christmas...
can I visit you between the holidays?
(CHUCKLES) on!
That sweater is terrible.
(LAUGHS)
But red looks good on you.
Red's your color.
Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes.
Listen, I've been thinking...
Really?
...about why we're so good together.
Why's that?
Well, your crazy matches my crazy. Big time.
Hmm. (CHUCKLES)
And, uh, we're like two jigsaw pieces,
you know, the weird curvy edges...
You put them together and you can see the mature on top.
Right.
Wade...
there's something I've been meaning to ask you.
But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me.
Will you, uh...
stick it in my... Marry me?
Uh... Jinx?
Huh.
Where were you hiding that?
Nowhere.
They say one month's salary. So, uh...
You mean?
I do.
That's my line.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
You're supposed to... So that's a...
Yes! Whoo!
Yes!
(LAUGHS)
I feel just like a little girl.
(CHUCKLES) (SIGHS)
What if I just held on and never let go?
Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke.
Oh, Star Wars jokes.
Empire.
Jesus Christ.
It's like I made you in a computer.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Mmm.
Hey.
Perfect. (CAMERA CLICKS)
Let's see. All right, wee break.
Shake it, yeah.
(SIGHS)
WADE: Here's the thing.
Life is an endless series of train-wrecks...
with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness.
This had been the ultimate commercial break.
(TOILET FLUSHING) (SIGHS)
Which meant it was time to return
to our regularly scheduled program.
What the... (THUDS)
Oh, my God. Wade?
You're clowning.
You're not clowning?
I sense clowns.
People react to news of late-stage cancer differently.
There are certainly options we can look into.
New drugs are being developed every day.
So what do we do?
Surely there is something we can do.
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer...
and there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany.
WADE: Vanessa's already working on Plan A, B,
all the way through Z.
Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face.
Like it's the first time I'm seeing it.
Or the last.
DOCTOR: Mr. Wilson...
Mr. Wilson?
Take your time to process this.
It's important not to do anything rash.
(WADE GRUNTS)
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
Now, if I were a 200-pound sack
of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)
Oh.
(ENGINE ROARING)
(GUN FIRING)
(FRANCIS GRUNTS)
WADE: A hush falls over the crowd
as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson...
out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot.
His form looks good.
Oh!
And that's why Regina rhymes with fun.
Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing...
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.
Oh! Giving him the business.
Incoming!
This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level!
(FRANCIS GROANS)
Looking good, Francis. Well rested.
Like you've been pitching, not catching.
Ringing any bells? No?
How about now?
(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
Wade fucking Wilson.
FRANCIS: Well, hello, gorgeous.
WADE: Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei.
Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis?
Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface.
Please, you should thank me.
Apparently, I made you immortal.
I'm actually quite jealous.
Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it?
Now, I'm about to do to you
what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
(METAL CLAN KS)
Dad?
WADE: I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways
in the most colossal way.
Well, maybe not the most.
WADE: Uh... This is my most prized possession.
VANESSA: Wham?
No, no, no. Wham!
Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point.
So, am I supposed to just smile
and wave you out the door?
Think of it like spring cleaning.
Only if spring was death.
God, if I had a nickel for every time
I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
Sounds like you do. (COINS JINGLING)
Bernadette is not going anywhere,
because you're not going anywhere.
Drink.
You're right. Cancer is only in my liver,
lungs, prostate, and brain.
All things I can live without.
Ha.
You belong here at home.
Surrounded by your Voltron
and your Bernadette, and your me.
Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show.
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff- opening-for-the
Spin-Doctors- at-the- lowa-State-Fair shit-show.
And under no circumstances will I take you to that show.
I want you to remember me.
Not the ghost of Christmas me.
Well, I wanna remember us.
I swear to God, I will find you in the next life...
and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window.
Wham!
No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay?
We can fight this.
Besides, I just realized something.
You win. Your life is officially
way more fucked up than mine.
(WADE CHUCKLES)
I love you.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Wade.
Weas.
You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower.
Though courtesy calls for the latter first.
How about three shots of Patron?
Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass.
Excellent for the immune system.
Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa.
Here, check it out.
She's sending away for all these colorful clinic: brochures.
I'm sure they're all FDA approved.
Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer?
You got China and Central Mexico.
You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish?
No.
El Cancer. Oh.
I could have guessed that.
Look how happy you look here.
Mind if I keep this? Put it up,
so I can remember when you looked alive.
At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool.
Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer.
I got it, Weas. Thanks.
Oh.
And, uh, that guy over there came in looking for you.
Real Grim Reaper type.
I don't know. Might further the plot.
Boothe.
Wade.
(WADE SIGHS)
Mr. Wilson.
How can I help you?
Besides luring children into a panel van.
I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
Stalker alert.
It's my job. Recruitment.
I'm sorry you've had such a tough go.
But you're a fighter. Special Forces.
41 confirmed kills.
One every seven weeks.
Same rate most folks get a haircut. Hmm...
It's to wash the taste out.
It's tough to forget being so impressive.
And now you spend your days
sticking up for the little people...
People change. What do you want?
I represent an organization that may be able to help.
What if I told you we can cure your cancer?
And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of?
I'd say that you sound like an infomercial,
but not a good one, like Slap Chop.
More Shake Weight-y.
The world needs extraordinary soldiers.
We won'tjust make you better.
We will make you better than better.
A superhero.
Look, Agent Smith,
I tried the hero business and it left a mark.
But if I ever hit "fuck it," I'll look you up.
Oh, um...
Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school,
so you may wanna...
His drink's on him.
WEASEL: What did he say?
(THUNDERCLAP)
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
(SNIFFLES)
VANESSA: Hey, what's going on?
(SNIFFLES) Hey. Sorry.
I had a Liam Neeson nightmare.
I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter
and he just wasn't having it.
Hey, uh, they've made three of those movies.
At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
Hmm.
WADE: The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you...
but what it does to the people you love.
Who knew if this guy could save my life...
but I knew there was only one way that I could save hers.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Isn't that what superheroes do?
(CARS HONKING)
(PHONE RINGING)
WADE: Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing.
(THUDS) Ow.
Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass.
Local dry cleaning discounts.
Lucrative film deals, both origin stories
and larger ensemble team movies.
Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets.
You know, I can hear you.
I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them.
Stay right here.
COLOSSUS: You've been warned before, Deadpool.
This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers.
You will both be coming with us.
WADE: Look, Colossus, I don't have time for
the goody two-shoes bullshit right now!
And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Negasonic Teenage... What the shit?
That's the coolest name ever!
So, what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?
No. Trainee.
Let me guess.
X-Men left you behind on what? Shit detail?
What does that make you?
Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Can we trade names?
(FRANCIS GROANS) Can we go?
WADE: Look! I'm a teenage girl.
I'd rather be anywhere than here.
I'm all about long sullen silences...
followed by mean comments, followed by more silences.
So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence...
or mean comment? Go on.
You got me in a box here.
Aha!
We can't allow this, DeadpooL
Please, come quietly.
You big chrome cock-gobbler!
COLOSSUS: That's not nice.
You're really gonna fuck this up for me?
Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming.
He's pure evil.
Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.
(THUD5)
That guy was already up there when I got here.
Wade, you are better than this.
Join us. Use your powers for good.
WADE: Heads up.
Be a superhero.
WADE: Listen!
The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler...
who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion...
of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker...
on that day...
I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request.
But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do.
Either that or slap the bitch outta you!
COLOSSUS: Wade... Hey.
Zip it, Sinéad!
Hey, douche-pool!
And I hope you're watching...
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)
(GASPS LOUDLY)
Quite unfortunate.
That does it!
(METAL CLAN KS)
Oh!
(GROANS) Canada!
That's not good.
COLOSSUS: Wade, please.
WADE: Cock shot! (G ROANS)
Oh, your poor wife.
You really should stop.
(GROANING)
All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex.
(WADE SCREAMS)
(LAUGHS)
WADE: I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!
This is embarrassing. (G ROANS)
Please, stay down.
VVADE: You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest?
Do you have off switch?
Yeah, it's right next to the prostate.
Or is that the on switch?
Enough! (GLASS SHATTERS)
(LAUGHS)
(GROANING)
COLOSSUS: Let us go talk to the Professor.
McAvoy or Stewart?
These timelines are so confusing.
"Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"
COLOSSUS: You will recover, Wade.
You always do.
You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
(SQUISHING NOISE)
Oh, my God.
Nasty.
WADE: Oh, there's the money shot, baby.
(RETCHING)
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
(TRUCK HORN HONKS)
WADE: Rock, meet bottom.
And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked...
you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision.
The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh.
This? Well, this was mine.
AGENT SMITH: Mr. Wilson.
Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's.
You finally hit "fuck it."
Just promise you'll do right by me.
So I can do right by someone else.
Of course.
And please don't make the super-suit green.
Or animated.
(MAN CHOKING)
MAN: Move it! Keep moving.
(PATIENT SCREAMING)
This place seems sanitary.
My first request is warmer hands.
Oh! And, Jesus, a warmer table.
We should really come up with a safe word, fellas.
I'm thinking "pork and beans."
(GROANS) Easy.
Aren't you a little strong for a lady?
I'm calling Wang.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
What's up with the matches?
Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan?
(MUFFLED GROAN)
Patience, Angel.
All in good time.
Are you here for the turndown service, or what?
We have another talker.
I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp.
Shut the fuck up.
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.
I manage this workshop.
Ah, my welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like...
"This may hurt a little."
"This may cause you some discomfort."
But I've grown blunt.
This workshop is not a government-led program.
It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself...
into men of extraordinary abilities.
But if you think super-human powers are acquired painlessly...
Wrong. (GROANS)
I'm injecting you with a serum...
that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA.
For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress.
(WADE GROANING)
You've heard that whole "make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right?
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.
I was a patient here once myself, you know.
The treatment affects everyone differently.
It made Angel inhumanly strong.
In my case, it enhanced my reflexes.
Also soorohed my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain.
And, in fact, I no longer feel anything.
(MUMBLING)
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.
You have something in your teeth.
Right in the middle there. Just, I don't...
A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something.
(SIGHS)
It's been bothering me for a long time.
(LAUGHS)
Ah, made you look.
Hey, is Ajax your actual name?
Becauseitsounds suspiciously made up.
What is it, really?
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?
Mitch? The Rickster?
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Is it Basil Fawlty?
Oh, joke away.
One thing that never survives this place
is a sense of humor.
We'll see about that.
I suppose we will.
He's all yours.
Oh, come on.
You're gonna leave me all alone here
with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?
(GROANS)
FRANCIS: This is how it's going to work.
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum...
so we're going to have to make you suffer.
FRANCIS: If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate
and manifest in a spectacular fashion.
(GASPS)
FRANCE» If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you...
(WADE SHIVERING)
in new and different ways,
each more painful than the last...
until you finally mutate.
Or die.
CUNNINGHAM: You mean a bucket list?
WADE: Like a fuck-it list.
I'd really like to light a spliff
off the Olympic torch.
CUNNINGHAM: Pass it to me right after.
Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping
with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs.
Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity.
Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven.
No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney.
(LAUGHS)
Making banana pancakes for my kids.
Vanessa.
WADE: I wanna see Vanessa.
FRANCIS: You're lovely.
I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched.
We were just joking.
No, no. It's okay.
I encourage distractions.
Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we?
Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham.
How tough can he be...
with a name like Francis?
Francis?
WADE: That's his legal name.
(CHUCKLING) He got "Ajax" from the dish soap.
F, R, A, N, C, I...
Oops!
Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat.
FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount.
You are so relentlessly annoying.
Thanks.
Never heard that before.
Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up?
Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.
Oh...
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
See, here's the problem with
round-the-clock torture...
is that you can't really step it up from there.
Is that what you think?
If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well...
nothing will.
Now, what we're going to do is
lower the oxygen concentration in the air...
to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating.
If your brainwaves slow,
meaning you're about to pass out...
then we'll turn up the O2.
If your heart rate slows...
meaning you're able to catch your breath...
we'll turn it back down.
And that's where we'll leave you.
Right there.
Oh, and I thought you guys were dicks before.
FRANCIS: You know the funniest part of this?
You still think we're making you a superhero.
You. A dishonorable discharge.
Hip-deep in hookers.
You're nothing.
Little secret, Wade.
This workshop doesn't make superheroes,
we make super-slaves.
We're gonna fit you with a control collar
and auction you off to the highest bidder.
Who knows what they'll have you doing?
Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters.
Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You're never going home after this.
Now there's a brave face.
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.
Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now.
Enjoy your weekend.
"Weekend"? Back up.
Weekend'?
(MACHINE HISSING)
(GASPING)
(CHOKING)
(EKG BEEPING)
(CHOKING) (EKG BEEPING RAPIDLY)
WADE: Did I say this was a love story?
No, it's a horror movie.
(SCREAMING)
(GASPING)
FRANCIS: Fucking hell.
Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King.
What have you done to me?
I've merely raised your stress levels
high enough to trigger a mutation.
You sadistic fuck!
I've cured you, Wade.
Now your mutated cells can heal anything.
It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form.
Yeah, I've seen similar side-effects before.
I could cure them...
but where's the fun in that?
Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade.
Not because I need to.
Because I want to.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Oh, Well.
Go ahead.
Oh, you smell like shit.
(GRUNTS) Whoa! (LAUGHS)
ANGEL DUST: Motherfucker.
Hey, hey, hey. It's all right, it's all right.
I think we owe him that one, yeah?
You take off. Go on.
Off you go.
Quick question.
What's my name?
Didn't think so.
WADE: Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed.
(GROANING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(EXPLODING)
(MEN SCREAMING IN THE DISTANCE)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(MAN couemwe)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
You don't want to kill me.
I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
(GRUNTS LOUDLY)
(RETCHING)
(GRUNTS AND LAUGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(WADE BREATHING HEAVILY)
What's my name?
CUNNINGHAM: Wade.
(GROANS)
WADE: I didn't just get the cure to el cancer...
I got the cure to el everything.
But there was only one thing...
that really mattered.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(INFANT CRYING)
WOMAN: Come on, let's go.
WOMAN: Oh, that must hurt.
Thank you so much.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE)
God, he's so fucking gnarly.
WOMAN: Look at his face.
MAN: Oh, my God. Poor guy.
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN: Honey, don't stare.
MALE PEDESTRIANI Freak.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine.
Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad.
Ah, bullshit!
I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus.
Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you...
Oh! Oh.
Do you like what you see?
No.
You look like an avocado
had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Yeah.
Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking.
There was something wrong with the relationship...
and that was the only catharsis
that they could find without violence.
And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug...
is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory.
And he's gone. Poof!
Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this...
because as of now,
you only have one course of action.
Damn straight.
Find Francis. Star in horror films.
What?
Star in your own horror films.
Because you look like Freddy Krueger
face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Here's what I'm actually gonna do.
I'm gonna work through his crew
until somebody gives up Francis...
force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull...
and fuck the brain hole.
I don't wanna see that or think of it again.
But the douchebag does thinks you're dead, right?
Yeah.
That's good. You should keep it that way.
What, like, wear a mask?
Yes. A very thick mask. All the time.
I am sorry...
you are haunting.
Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Like a testicle with teeth.
You will die alone.
I mean, if you could die.
Ideally, for others' sake.
That'll do.
All you need now is a suit and a nickname...
like Wade the Wisecracker...
or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie.
Oh, shit.
What?
I put all my money on you and now...
ljustreahzed I'm never gonna win the, uh...
Dead pool.
Captain Deadpool...
No, just...
Just Deadpool, yeah. Just Deadpool.
To you, Mr. Pool.
DeadpooL
That sounds like a fucking franchise.
(GLASSES CLINK)
This shit's gonna have nuts in it.
(MAN GROANS) Where's Francis?
(GRUNTING)
(GUN FIRING)
(GROANING)
(SIGHS)
WADE: Where's Francis?
AL: Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
Or wear red. Dumbass.
(ALL CHEERING)
(CLAMORING)
(GROANING)
(GUN FIRING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
WADE: Don't make me ask twice.
Where...
is Francis?
He made me ask twice.
Is the mask muffling my voice?
Where's Francis?
(GUN FIRING)
Where the fuck is Francis?
(GROANING)
(WADE LAUGHING)
You're about to be killed by a Zamboni.
Where's Francis?
(WOMAN WHIMPERS)
No! Please!
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Oh! You little spider monkey!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Where... is... Francis?
This is confusing.
Is it sexist to hit you?
Is it more sexist to not hit you?
I mean, the line gets real... blurry.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
WHERE IS FRANCIS?
Tell me where your fucking boss is
or you're gonna die!
In five minutes!
(WHISPERS) Don't hesitate to call me.
Nice to see you, Jared.
I'll take the footlong...
Fuflyloaded.
(GRUNTING) (GUNS FIRING)
(PANTING)
(GRUNTS) (GLASS SHATTERS)
(GROANS) Whoa, whoa!
41 confirmed kills.
Now it's 89. About to be 90.
Mr. Wilson?
Ding-ding.
You're looking very alive.
Ha! Only on the outside!
This is not going to end well for me, is it?
This is not gonna end well for you, no.
Where's your boss?
I can tell you exactly...
(SHUSHING MOCKINGLY)
Oh, you'll tell me. But first...
You might wanna look away for this.
Now this little piggy went to...
(AGENT SMITH SCREAMS)
WADE: Thank you, Agent Smith.
Taxi!
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
(HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
WADE: And we all know how this turned out.
Whoops! You weren't meant to see that.
There. All caught up.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
We're here.
(GROANS) Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage.
(GRUNTS)
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
Whoo!
Some kinds of anger can't be managed...
like the kind where your year-long plan
ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!
That said, when it comes time to licking wounds,
there's no place like home.
Ah, and I share that home with someone you've met,
the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al.
God, I miss cocaine.
Her.
(GASPS) Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break.
That's like 16 walls.
She's like Robin to my Batman,
except she's old, and black, and blind.
And I think she's in love with me.
WADE: Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(AL GROANS)
WADE: AI?
Morning, sleepyhead.
(GRUNTS)
It smells like old lady pants in here.
Yes, I'm old. I wear pants.
But you're no lady.
Oh! So comfy.
Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs.
You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes?
AL: Yes, I know.
Downside of being blind...
I hear everything in this duplex.
(GROANS)
Sit on a stick.
Bacfln?
Yeah. Bactin should do it.
How's that Kullen coming along?
IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know.
You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen.
It's an improvement on the Hurdal.
Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal.
I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal.
Oh, no, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen.
Screw, please.
Here? Now? Just kidding.
I know it's been decades.
You'd be surprised.
Pretty grossed out.
(GROANS) Ta... Da.
I wish I never heard of Craigslist.
And I quote, "Looking for roommate,
"blind to life's imperfections.
"Must be good with hands."
Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent?
Why such a douche this morning?
Let's recap.
The cock thistle that turned me into this freak...
slipped through my arms today...
Arm.
Catching him was my only chance
to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back...
and prevent this shit from happening to someone else.
So,yeah, today was about as much fun
as a sandpaper dildo.
(WADE FARTS)
#driveby.
Found out who our friend in the red suit is.
Fucking Wade Wilson.
I suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a face like that.
I only wish I healed the same.
Still, we'll put him out of our misery.
On our terms.
Right. And when he heals?
He can't.
Not if there's nothing left of him to heal.
You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker.
I like a challenge.
But he's bad for business.
Now let's go find him.
Oh.
(WADE GRUNTS SLOWLY)
Tylenol PM?
You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin.
I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet...
and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now.
(SIGHS)
But I appreciate the gesture.
Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?
About the size of a KFC spork.
Ugh.
I get why you're so pissy...
but your mood's never gonna brighten
till you find this woman...
and tell her how you feel.
What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo?
She wouldn't have me.
If you could see me, you'd understand.
Looks aren't everything.
Looks are everything.
You ever heard David Beckham speak?
It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium.
You think Ryan Reynolds got this far
on his superior acting method?
Love is blind, Wade.
No.
You're blind.
So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty...
and then I'm gonna come up with
a whole new Christmas Day plan.
In the meantime,
you might wanna leave the room.
I bet it feels huge in this hand.
GO, go!
WEASEL: So, the doctor says, "The bad news is
"you don't have that long to live."
So, the patient says, "How long do I have?"
The doctor says, "Five."
The guy says, "Five what?"
And the doctor says, "Four, three, two..."
(ALL LAUGHING)
Can I help you ladies?
Oh, I do hope so.
I heard you might be able to point me
in the direction of a, um, friend of mine.
Name of Wade Wilson.
Sorry.
I don't know the name.
Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar.
I've seen this girl.
FRANCIS: Ah, this must be Vanessa.
I've heard so much about you.
(GROANING)
Um, sweetheart, you might wanna look around.
This isn't really the place to do something like that.
Easy, Angel.
Put the little man down.
We have everything we need now.
You sure?
You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic?
Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade ll.
Whoo.
Thanks for having my back, guys.
Wade, we have a fucking problem.
And by "we," I mean "you."
Ah, I can't believe I'm doing this.
Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?
Yeah, "afrangry", lguess.
Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?
Fuck me!
Uh, maybe not start with that.
(TRAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, coming onto our stage right now...
give it up for Chastity!
(ALL CHEERING)
Or as I like to call her, Irony.
Better find her fast before numbnuts does.
How do you know she's in here?
Because I'm constantly stalking that fox.
(MUSIC FADES OUT)
WADE: Every time I see her, it's like the first time...
Especially from this angle.
(MUSIC FADES IN)
(MEN CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: You can't buy love,
but you can rent it for three minutes.
(EXHALES)
Ah, you weak motherfucker!
Come on!
Come on, get it together.
This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa.
Here we go.
Maximum effort.
Vanessa.
Someone out back asking for you.
Something about, uh, an old boyfriend.
I knew it was you.
The weird, curvy edges.
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
(VANESSA GROANS)
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?
Uh, I saw her head to the back.
Go get her, tiger.
(SOFTLY) Fuck. Fuck!
Motherfucker!
Wait, wait. LefsH.JusL“
Cock juggling...
We can talk about what we're gonna...
Jiminy! Fuck face!
Okay, or you can hit that.
Yeah,yeah,yeah. Fuck!Fuck!
No, no. All right. Hey!
Fuck!Fuck!
Fuck! Hey, um...
Whoa! Whoa! Relax. Relax. Okay.
Okay. I think that's a good start.
Oh, I'm gonna rip his motherfucking...
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Wait.
Find it! Find it. What?
I'm gonna get angry. Okay. All right.
All right. Okay. All right.
Here. This is Vanessa.
What? No, wait. It's Francis.
He wants you to come to him.
What is that? That's the shit emoji.
You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes?
I thought it was chocolate yogurt forsolong.
I need guns.
Okay, which ones?
I need all the guns!
All right. Okay.
(HEAVY METAL PLAYING)
That's about 3,000 rounds.
We all know what I can do with 12.
Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap!
We're downrange.
I was gonna spend the night
assembling the Borje, but this is holding my interest.
I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Borje.
Get it through your head or get out of fuck town.
Shit. That's all the pieces in the house.
Nah, nah... Come on. Let's go. Cough it up.
Up, up, Up.
Oh. Down, down, down.
Fuck you.
.45 cal. I like it.
Wade...
I'd go with you, but I don't want to.
Uh...
Listen, Al...
iflneversee you again,
I want you to know that I love you very much.
And also, uh, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine
buried somewhere in the apartment...
right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.
You wanna get fucked up?
(SEAGULLS SCREECHING)
(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.)
(MUMBLING)
Put her down over here.
(WHIMPERS)
(MUMBLING CONTINUES)
Go on then.
Thanks, dickless. And I mean you.
Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade.
I've been trying to tell you assholes,
you've got the wrong girl.
My old boyfriend, he's dead.
See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back.
Like a cockroach...
but uglier.
Now, I may not feel, but he does.
Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.
Ripley, from Alien 3!
Fuck, you're old.
(CACKLES)
Fakelaugh. Hiding real pain.
Go get Silver Balls.
You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
Oh, like there's something wrong
with eating before sundown or saving money.
No, you know that bad guy that you let go?
He's got my girl.
You're gonna help me get her back.
COLOSSUS: Wade, is that you?
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,
and I got an offer that you can't refuse.
I'm gonna wait out here, okay?
It's a big house.
It's funny that I only ever see two of you.
It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
WADE: And that is why, in my opinion...
the movie Cocoon is pure pornography.
Who brought this twinkly man?
Twinkly, but deadly.
My chrome-penised friend back there
has agreed to do me this solid.
In exchange, I said that I would
considerjoining his boy band.
It's not boy band.
Sure it's not.
(SIGHS LOUDLY) So, any luck winning Gita back?
I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool...
but Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me.
Well, I think you're pretty darn cute.
(MAN SCREAMS)
(PUNJABI MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Dopmden Hmm?
What was that?
Uh...
That was Bandhu in the trunk.
Ban who?
My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk.
I'm doing as you said, DP.
I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish,
then dump 'ms carcass on Ghats doorstep.
I did not tell him to do that.
Absolutely not. It got lost in translation.
Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back!
(WHISPERS) I'm so proud of you.
Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like.
(WHISPERS) Kill him.
And then, win Gita back...
the old fashioned way: with your boyish charm.
(WHISPERS) Kidnap her.
He's super dead.
Whoa!
I presume a crisp high five?
For you? 10.
Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference.
(WHISPERS) You know what to do.
Knock 'em dead, PoolBoy!
Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
WADE: Not often a dude ruins your face...
skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama...
and personally sees to four
of your five shittiest moments.
Let's just say it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD: Hey.
Where's your duffle bag?
(PHONE RINGING)
(HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
(TRUCK HONKING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(THUDS) (BANDHUSCREAMS)
DOPINDERI Bandhu?
DOPMDER: Leave a message and have a happy day.
God damn it!
I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way...
with two swords and maximum effort.
Cue the music.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
FRANCIS: Wade Wilson!
What's my name?
Oh, I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya.
Go get some.
Superhero landing.
She's gonna do a superhero landing.
Wait for it.
WADE; Wh00!
Superhero landing!
You know, that's really hard on your knees.
Totally impractical. They all do it.
You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis.
That's why I brought him.
I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...
(GROANS)
I mean, that's why I brought her?
Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's...
Just give us a second. Yeah.
There you go. Hashtag it.
Go get her, tiger.
(GROANS)
Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
All right, then. Fire!
(GUNS FIRING)
(GRUNTS)
Finish fucking her the fuck up!
Language, please.
Suck a cock.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Look away, child.
Look away!
(SCREAMING)
WADE: Wait!
Wait!
Cease fire!
WADE: Fellas! Hey! Hey!
You only work for that shit-spackled muppet fart.
So, I'mma give you a chance
for y'all to lay down your firearms...
in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle...
possibly even lover-like treatment.
(GUNS FIRING)
Fine.
Commando!
(GRUNTING)
(EXHALING)
(GRUNTING)
(COLOSSUS GRUNTS)
(ANGEL DUST GROANS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROWLS)
(MEN GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
Teabag!
Bob?
VVade?
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since...
Jacksonville. Fridays. Since TGI Fridays.
Well, what the hell!
God, come here, you.
(GRUNTS)
How are the kids? Good?
And Gail, she still fixing that tuna casserole?
So good. But bad for the waistline,
if you know what I'm talking about.
Oh! (CLEARS THROAT)
Your... On the left. You are beautiful woman.
That is so sweet.
Uh...
Thanks.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
WADE". '(co-hem!
FRANCIS: Does he write you notes too?
He's such a romantic.
WADE: Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'.
Fire!
(GUNS FIRING)
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD: Hey!
Climb on!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Motherfucking...
Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants.
You were right, beautiful.
Red really is my color.
VVade?
Don't worry, baby...
I'mma get you out of that shit-box.
What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours?
Oh, you never left.
But you did, asshole!
Ah, deep breath, darling.
Oh, wait.
Wrong choice of words.
(CHOKING)
I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve.
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!
I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade.
When I'm finished...
parts will have to grow back you.
Good one.
Yep, that was a good one.
Let's dance.
And by dance, I mean...
let's try to kill each other.
(GRUNTING) (METAL CLANKING)
(GASPING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(COLOSSUS GROANING)
(CHOKING)
Fine. Fists.
Oh, sounds like your last Saturday night.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
(VANESSA GROANS)
Asshole!
(FRANCIS GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(EXPLODING)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
Hang in there, baby!
Wade! I gotcha!
I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.
(GRUNTING)
Shit! Shit! Shit!
(VANESSA SCREAMING)
Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.
(PANTING)
Ah! Damn it!
Maximum effort!
(VANESSA SCREAMS)
(RUMBLING)
(GRUNTS)
Thanks.
Just take it slow.
WADE". '(co-hem!
Oh, my God! That was so...
(GRUNTING)
(EXHALING HEAVILY)
(FRANCIS LAUGHS)
There are no words!
Me and you are headed to fix this butterface.
What?
(CHUCKLES)
You stupid fucking idiot.
Did you really think there was a cure... for that?
What?
You heard me.
No.
No!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(LAUGHING AND COUGHING)
So, you mean to say...
after all this, you can't fix me?
It sounds even stupider when you say it.
Like the kind of stupid who admits
he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?
Any last words?
What's my name?
Who fucking cares?
COLOSSUSI Wade!
Four or five moments.
I'm sorry?
Four or five moments, that's all it takes.
To?
Be a hero.
(GROANS)
Everyone thinks it's a full-time job.
Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero,
go to work a hero.
Not true.
Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments
that really matter.
Moments when you're offered a choice.
To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw,
save a friend...
spare an enemy.
In these moments...
everything else falls away.
The way the world sees us.
The way we...
(RETCHING)
Why?
You were droning on.
Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread...
but at least fuckface won't heal from that.
If wearing superhero tights...
means sparing psychopaths...
then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em.
Not everyone monitors a hall like you.
Just promise...
Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout
for the next four moments.
(WHISPERS) Oh, shit.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy,
about to stand in front of a girl...
and tell her...
What the fuck am I gonna tell her?
Well, hmm, you better figure it out.
I can't even tell you... (GRUNTS)
I deserved that. That, too.
No,no,no, maybe not the nethers.
Start talking!
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
(STUTTERS) For everything, I'm sorry for leaving...
I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner.
It's been rough couple of years.
Rough?
I live in a crackhouse.
With a family of 12.
Every night we spoon for warmth.
Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest.
There's nothing that we don't share.
Floor space, dental floss, even condoms.
So, you live in a house.
I should have come and found you sooner.
But, baby, the guy under this mask,
he ain't the same one that you remember.
You mean this mask?
And this one.
In case the other fell off.
All right. Yeah, just... Ow.
Like a Band-Aid, just give it a...
Owdie 5,000.
Wait, wait, wait...
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Wow.
Yeah.
Hey.
After a brief adjustment period...
and a bunch of drinks...
it's a face...
I'd be happy to sit on.
I'm not the same underneath this suit, either.
No.
Super-penis.
COLOSSUS: Come on, Wade. Language.
Young one is present.
What are you still doing?
Get out of here. Go make yourself useful!
You, go be a really big brother to someone.
Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn.
And you, chicken noodle...
Nothing compares to you.
Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry.
That's all right. You're cool.
(GASPS)
What in the ass?
That was not mean. I'm proud of you!
We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade.
For a second there,
it felt like we were three mini-lion robots...
coming together to form one super robot.
There's a stupid.
Yeah.
And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for.
Come here.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHING)
Wham! As promised.
(MAN VOCALIZING)
WADE: See?
You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl.
The right girl will bring out the hero in you.
Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out.
There we go, that looks nice.
That's gonna be about the only thing
that's pulling out tonight.
Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh?
'Til next time, this is
your friendly neighborhood pool guy singin'. ..
I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you
You're still here?
It's over. Go home.
Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2.
Well, we don't have that kind of money.
What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up?
With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number?
Go. Go.
Oh.
But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret.
For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable.
Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel.
We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet,
but it could be anybody.
Just need a big guy with a flat top.
Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren...
Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows.
Anyway, big secret. Shh...
Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around.
It's a total dick move.
Go.
(VOCALIZES)