HARRY: Hey, Jas, you awake?
Jason?
Jason, you awake?
Yeah, been up for hours. Just getting dressed.
You finish your English paper?
I did it last night.
Did you eat your oatmeal?
Yeah. Thanks, Mom. It was delicious.
Here you go, Trooper.
(GROANS)
(SNICKERING)
Nice board, Shepherd.
Bret,
I'd love to stay and be physically and emotionally abused by you guys,
but I should get to school.
Ow.
I had a feeling you were an excellent bully, and I was right.
Take it easy.
Give me the skateboard.
You sure? Because now you're going from harmless bully to hardened boardjacker.
You don't want that, do you?
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
I assume everyone completed their creative writing assignments.
(PAGER BEEPING)
Read your assignments in a slow and peaceful manner.
You, Joshua. Go.
(INAUDIBLE) JOSHUA: My dog ate it?
I know you don't have a dog.
Right. Sorry.
Ms. Caldwell?
Yes, Kaylee.
Can you open the door? It's kind of toasty in here.
I suppose so.
(JASON GROANS)
Jason Shepherd. Did you just come in from that window?
No, you looked a little flushed.
I was just creating a cross-draft.
Now that we're all comfortable, why don't you read us your story?
Let's give someone else a chance.
No, I think we'd all like to hear yours.
You did do it, didn't you?
Ms. Caldwell. Can I call you Phyllis?
No. Understood.
But, as much as I wanted to write my paper,
I mean I really, really wanted to write my paper, I couldn't.
I spent all last night in the Greenbury General emergency room.
See, my mom made Swedish meatballs for dinner.
My dad's favorite. He was so excited, he accidentally swallowed one whole.
It was awful. He started choking. His face turned purple.
The meatball was literally bulging out his neck.
We rushed him to the ER.
I tried to write it in the waiting room, but it was too hard.
I needed to be by my father's side. After all, he's the only dad I got.
You're lying through your teeth, you little demon.
I wish I were. Call my dad if you want.
His number is 555-0147.
I think I will.
Are you crazy? You're totally going to get busted.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Say, "Harry Shepherd's office." No way.
Help me out! What can I do?
How about write the paper?
Do it. No!
Harry Shepherd's office. One moment, please.
Hello?
(GASPING)
Hello, Ms. Caldwell.
Yes, it's true. It was terrifying.
I started to see the white light.
I was just about to cross over to the other side
when I heard an Angel's voice calling out.
When I opened my eyes
I saw my sweet, sweet Jason standing over me.
I said, "Back off, Grim Reaper."
"I ain't done living yet."
And with every ounce of gas I had left in my body,
(GIRL EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) I burped that meatball right across the room.
(BOY CHUCKLES) And I owe it all to my son.
I'm sorry, Ms. Caldwell. I should stop talking now.
My throat is still very sore. Thank you.
(DOOR OPENING)
Jason?
I am so sorry.
You just take your time handing in that assignment.
Thank you.
Now back to those creative essays. You, Trevor. Go.
(BELL RINGING)
Jason! Just who I was looking for.
I need to see you in here.
I would love to hang out and chat with you, Ms. C,
but I've got to go home and help take care of my dad.
Oh, really?
HARRY: How could you lie to us, Jas?
You told me you wrote that paper.
I don't know.
Unfortunately, that essay counts for one-third of Jason's semester grade.
Without it, he'll fail the class.
He'll have to repeat the course in summer school.
What? I can't go to summer school!
There must be something he can do to make it up.
I'm teaching English as a second language at the community college until 6:00.
If you can get me the paper by then, I'll consider counting it.
Don't even think of downloading something from the Net, Jason.
I want that essay handwritten.
A 1,000-word story in three hours?
It should be no problem, making up stories is your God-given talent.
HARRY: Making up stories is your God-given talent.
"Jason: " Big.
"Fat."
"Liar."
"Kenny Trooper was the world's biggest liar.
"They say a little lie can grow bigger.
"One man will pay the price.
"People everywhere stopped and stared at the big, fat liar. ".
Yes!
Why'd he have to steal my board today?
Nice wheels, Shepherd!
(GUFFAWING)
Freak!
(GROANS)
Sir?
I think we just hit a kid.
I'm on the phone.
Sorry about that. Apparently we ran over a kid or something.
You all right there, buddy?
Yeah.
But you have to help get me to the community college
in two minutes or I fail eighth grade.
What is going on here?
I need a ride.
What am I, running a taxi service?
It's right down the road! You're lucky I don't Sue you for whiplash!
Actually, my neck does feel pretty stiff.
(GROANING)
Get in the car.
Watch the shoes. Watch the shoes.
Man. If you only knew the kind of day I've had.
Yeah, it must be really, really tough to be 11.
I'm actually 14.
My mistake.
Jason Shepherd.
Marty Wolf.
Famous Hollywood producer.
I'm in town shooting my new picture.
Oh, yeah, you're that guy.
Dude, no offense, but you have made some stinkers in the last few years.
Everyone has a dry spell, Ebert.
It's Jason.
Trust me, all it takes is one hit to get you back on top.
That's what I'm counting on with this story.
Really? Why don't you tell me more about that?
(EXCLAIMS SARCASTICALLY)
I tried to get out of it, but I got busted.
What'd you say? Dog ate your homework?
No. Dad choked on a meatball.
You spent all night with him in the ER?
Yeah.
Teacher called the old man to confirm. You imitated him.
Yeah, pretty much.
Listen and learn, short stack. Here's where you went wrong.
You should've made your dad your sister, the meatball a chicken wing.
Much easier to swallow, if you G.M.D., which means, "Get my drift."
Wow. You're good.
No, no. I'm the best.
Here we are.
All right. God bless you, Jared.
It's Jason.
And it always will be. Now you keep practicing those lies, Jiminy.
BECAUSE YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM ME: The truth, it's overrated.
Now get out! I got a movie to produce!
Thanks for the ride, gentlemen.
Ciao.
Earl! You left...
Back to the set, Sir?
Yeah! Double time it, driver!
Listen, Whitaker,
I'm not your sister, I'm not your girlfriend and I'm not your priest.
So if you want to remain my partner, I've got two words for you.
(CHICKEN CLUCKING)
Shut the heck up!
You talk way too much!
Can we cut? Can we...
(COUGHING)
This ain't working for me at all.
MARTY: What are you doing?
Are you trying to fumigate me?
Why did you call cut? I did not tell you to stop acting, Urkel.
Wolf, how many times have I told you not to call me Urkel?
My name is Jaleel White, okay?
Urkel was a character I played when I was a child!
(CHUCKLING)
Okay, Jaleel. What's the problem?
You want to know the problem?
I'm getting nothing from the chicken.
He just sits there with his head slumped over.
I have no idea what my motivation is.
Well, you're a police officer named Fowl.
Mmm-hmm.
Your new partner is a crime-fighting chicken named Whitaker.
And your motivation is a nice, fat paycheck that keeps you from working at McDonald's!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Watch yourself, Wolf. Watch yourself.
No, you watch yourself, pal!
You're lucky I'm not making you wear the freaky glasses and suspenders.
I swear. I was riding Janie's old bike and some limo hit me.
They offered me a ride. I must have forgotten it in there.
Give us one reason why should we believe you.
Because it's true.
There was some guy in the limo, Marty something. Maybe he took it.
What are our options?
Without the essay, summer school.
Or summer school.
Today, students, we are going to learn about the joys of a special friend
I like to call "Mr. Semicolon."
The semicolon was first used in a
1734 letter to British Parliament...
Shh.
By Mr. Jedediah Wilkinson.
W-I-L...
(SNORING)
Help me.
Come on, Jason. You must have made at least one friend.
Yeah. The kid behind me who kept flicking boogers at my neck?
He seemed like a really nice guy.
I shouldn't even be in that stupid summer school.
If it makes you feel better, my parents are taking an adventure.
They're going river rafting in the Grand Canyon.
But do I get an adventure? No.
My big adventure is staying at my Grandma Pearl's with her toe fungus.
You can hang out at my place.
My folks are taking a long weekend at some health spa for their anniversary.
It'll just be me and Janie from Thursday till Sunday.
MALE ANNOUNCER: In a time
when a little lie
can grow bigger
(THUDDING)
and bigger,
one man will pay the price.
Next summer, people everywhere
will stop and stare.
Marty Wolf Pictures presents.
Kenny Trooper,
the big, fat liar.
You want to see it?
See it? I think I wrote it!
HARRY: Not that again, Jason.
JASON: I'm telling you!
Wait. This is it.
Big Fat Liar is already being touted as next summer's must-see movie event.
I recently talked to Marty Wolf,
the mastermind behind this sure-to-be blockbuster.
That's him. It's the guy from the limo!
Where'd you come up with this idea?
Some ideas you struggle and struggle with
but the great ones, well, they just come to you.
Yeah, from my backpack, you loser!
Jason.
Dad,
I'm serious. That guy stole my paper.
You have to believe me.
I can't.
I just don't trust you right now, Jas.
Have a nice weekend.
JANIE: We will.
CAROL: See you on Sunday. Have fun.
HARRY: Look out for your brother, Janie.
Bye. Daddy. Bye-bye.
JANIE: We'll miss you guys.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
(TIRES SCREECH)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARING)
Later. I'm going over to Rudy's.
Rudy?
Yo, what's up, dog?
How you living?
It's crackin', kid.
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
Peace out, little G.
Booyah!
He's not literally a catcher eating rye bread.
It's more of a metaphor for a state of adolescent angst.
We need to talk. I'm tutoring.
Bet you wish you still had your skateboard.
(LAUGHS)
Let's see. Fully-developed brain,
skateboard.
I think I'll take the brain.
But I have your skateboard.
Kaylee, pack your bags. We're going on a trip.
KAYLEE: I can't just go to Los Angeles.
I can't have my parents thinking I'm a liar.
You are a liar.
In general, that's true. But this time I'm telling the truth. I wrote that paper.
I won't rest until Wolf admits he stole it and my parents know it.
What are we supposed to do, walk across the country?
Three years of yard work and babysitting money. Our flight leaves in two hours.
What about my Grandma Pearl? I'm staying at her house.
That woman doesn't even know what year it is.
You said you wanted an adventure.
We'll go to LA, I'll get my paper, and we'll be back before Sunday.
My grandma will notice if I don't even show up at all!
BRET: Kaylee, have you got a plunger?
I took a dookie and I clogged up the toilet! Oh, boy! Oh, no!
(BRET LAUGHING GOOFILY)
What a mess.
KAYLEE: This won't work. She's not that blind and senile.
JASON: It'll work.
If any of my teammates see me, you're dead.
We made a deal.
You want us to do your summer school homework or not?
Yeah, it's just that... It's only a few days.
And remember to make your voice sound like a girl's.
Come on, big fella.
Who's there?
I've got a gun.
It's just Kaylee, Grandma.
Kaylee?
You can't be Kaylee. You've grown so tall.
And you're so muscular.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I'm benching like 220, 230.
Good for you. Give me a hug.
Come on.
WOMAN ON PA: Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport.
Airport shuttles are located outside the baggage claiming area.
Follow my lead.
Okay.
Hi. I'm Mr. Stroog.
(SNICKERING)
Are you serious?
Is there a problem?
No.
You're kind of young to be the biggest fur coat distributor in the Midwest.
It's a family business. I've been selling pelts since I was a baby.
Okay.
I'm Frank.
We want to get some sightseeing in before we cover this town in fur.
Okay.
So, this here is a little place I like to call.
(IN SPANISH ACCENT) Los Angeles.
Thanks for the lift, Frank. We'll take it from here.
You got it, Mr. Stroog. Look, here's my card. If you need a ride, give me a shout-out.
Thanks.
MAN ON PA: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Ron, your driver. And I am Arthur, your tour guide.
So, what's the plan?
When we get to Wolf's building, we jump off, infiltrate his office,
make him admit he stole my story.
That's it? That's the lamest plan I've ever heard.
Trust me, it's going to work.
So stay tuned.
Folks, this is the backlot, where many of our hit movies are made.
Speaking of movies, in just a few days we begin filming...
Come on. Follow me.
Excuse me, where is Stage two?
Security. Let's go.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Can I take a moment to say how totally awesome this is?
(GRUNTING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(PHONE RINGS)
Marty Wolf Pictures. Please hold.
Can I help you?
We're here to see Marty Wolf.
Do you have an appointment?
I ask you,
Astrid, what kind of sick world is this
when children need an appointment to see their own father?
Mr. Wolf doesn't have children.
Not that he knows of.
Shh.
Look, this will be an emotional reunion for all of us,
so once you let us in, probably gonna want to hold Papa's calls as well.
Mr. Wolf doesn't see anyone without an appointment.
(PHONE RINGING)
Marty Wolf Pictures.
No, she stepped away.
I'd love to take a message. You got it.
Well, if you'd slow down, then...
Help me out. No.
Help me out. Okay.
(PHONE RINGING)
Marty Wolf Pictures. One moment, please.
WOMAN: Operator. Marty Wolf Pictures, please.
(BARKING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Marty Wolf Pictures.
KAYLEE: Astrid Barker, please.
This is Doris Del Rio down in parking. Do you drive a Saturn, ma'am?
Yes.
Well, it's...
Um...
Parked on a dog.
I am not going to say that. Come on.
Hello?
Your car is parked on a dog.
My car is parked on a dog?
Yes, ma'am. In the tail area, to be more specific.
(GAGGING) It's gruesome. Listen for yourself.
(YELPING)
(RETCHING)
Hang on. I'm coming! Don't die!
Just stay. Keep breathing. Think of a happy place.
Keep a lookout. I'm sure this thing will be over in just a few minutes.
(PHONE RINGING)
Marty Wolf Pictures. Can I take a message?
Mr. Wolf is about to go into a meeting.
Uh-huh.
Sandier.
MARTY: We're not just looking for my personal organizer, Monty.
That thing is my life! If you lost it, then you've killed me.
Draw a line of chalk around me, baby, because I am dead!
MONTY: I understand that!
No, you don't.
You always say that. No, you don't.
Did you check your jacket pocket?
Do I look like a moron?
No, it's just if you remember that one time...
Fine, Monty. Fine.
If it'll make you happy, I'll check my jacket pocket.
It's in there.
(SIGHS WITH RELIEF)
Hello?
Excuse me. How's it going?
Who are you?
Jason Shepherd. Remember me? I wrote Big Fat Liar.
Uh...
(CHUCKLES)
Monty, hold my calls.
Give me a few minutes alone here with Mr. Shepherd.
Well, well, well.
Jason Shepherd. The young man from Greenbury, Michigan.
I must tell you, this is quite a surprise.
What can I do for you?
Call my dad and tell him you stole the story from me.
Call your dad? Why?
It's the truth and you're the only one he'll believe.
You traveled halfway across the country
to have me tell your dad you did your homework?
Make that phone call, and you'll never hear from me again.
(BANGS TABLE)
Okay. Really?
Yes.
It's a great piece of work, kid. And I'm not just blowing smoke.
I refer back to it whenever I get in a bind on the script.
You'll return it to me and make the call?
You gave me my movie, Shepherd. It's the very least I can do for you.
You smoke cigars, hot shot?
I'm 14, Wolf.
Suit yourself.
Jason Shepherd of Greenbury, Michigan,
it was a pleasure doing business with you.
Oh! No!
What have I done?
(EXCLAIMING)
Stand back, son. Let me try and stamp it out with this lit cigar.
I seem to be making matters worse.
(EXCLAIMS)
Good move, Smoky!
Hold on! Help is on the way.
Stand back!
(EXCLAIMS)
You're sick! All I wanted you to do was to tell my dad I wrote that paper!
Or what? You'd shoot me with a spitball? Give me a wedgie?
Grow up! This is Hollywood, baby. It's a dog-eat-dog town.
Worse. We got cats eating cats.
We got fish munching fish. We play by our own rules.
I'm not leaving until you make that call!
I'll make a call, all right.
ROCCO: Malone speaking.
Rocco, this is the Wolf.
Send some of your boys down here. I got a Code W.
Another angry writer refusing to leave. Wolf out.
I tried to play fair, Wolf, but you asked for it!
(IMITATES NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
You don't know who you're messing with!
Come on!
Thanks for holding. Can you spell Soderbergh for me?
Thanks, Steven. I'll have Mr. Wolf return.
Marty Wolf Pictures.
You don't understand! Let go!
It was my idea!
And I wrote The Nutty Professor. I've heard it all before.
JASON: Get off me!
Hi.
Hi, Astrid. Adam Sandier called to set up a lunch.
I sent flowers to Meg Ryan because she sounded like she had a little cold.
And I scheduled a deep body massage for you at 3:00.
You look like you could use a little "you" time.
Thank you, kind stranger.
What can I say? This is Hollywood, Kaylee. It's a fish-eat-fish town.
They play by their own rules out here!
Does that mean we're going home?
As soon as Wolf admits he stole my story.
I'm not trying to be negative,
but didn't we just find out Wolf isn't going to admit that?
He'll do it.
How?
Because I have his life in the palm of my hand.
Great. So we're stealing now?
We're not stealing, we're borrowing.
I have Wolf's alarm codes, credit card numbers, his schedule.
So?
So, this is awesome.
In a day, I'll figure out how to use this info against him.
I don't know, Jas.
I can't go home until my dad knows the truth.
If you saw how he looked at me. It was like...
I don't know, like I wasn't his kid anymore.
Do you think your plan might include food and a place to sleep?
The guard! Let's get out of here.
JASON: Let's check out that warehouse.
Looks like we found our temporary home.
KAYLEE: Look at all this stuff.
JASON: All right, Kaylee. We'll need clothes and supplies. Let's hunker down
until the law dogs leave, then start racking up the merch.
What are you talking about?
We stay here until closing time, then we go shopping.
(TAPPING)
Jas?
I'm at the beach!
Frank? Mr. Stroog. Meet us at the studio gate in 20.
Hey.
What's with the Cokes?
The machine, it's great, they're free.
(HYSTERICALLY) They're free.
(CHUCKLES)
Good morning, Frank. Let's get moving.
We've got furs to sell.
Fur coat King of the Midwest, my butt!
I got some R-rated dialogue for you, but I'll keep it PG.
You owe me $100 for yesterday's ride.
(STAMMERING) You almost cost me my job.
I'm sorry. I can explain.
(GIBBERING)
Hear that?
(GIBBERING CONTINUES)
If we could... I don't want to hear it, okay?
(GIBBERING)
(STAMMERING)
I'm sorry. We came here to get even with this guy, Marty Wolf.
He stole my story and he's making it into...
Did you just say "Marty Wolf"?
You know him?
I used to drive him. He fired me last year.
Why?
I'm an actor. See?
I asked him if I could audition for one of his movies.
He could have just said no. Instead, he takes my headshot,
writes "loser" across my forehead,
and faxes it to every casting director in town.
You poor thing.
If you want to mess with Wolf, I got your back.
JASON: Today, it's know the enemy.
Right on schedule.
MARTY: We begin production in two days.
Dusty! El director! First up's the big stunt.
I want to blow them away at the start! Hit me, kiddo.
Rock and roll, baby. I am ready to party.
(EXCLAIMS)
(IMITATES HORSE NEIGHING)
We open. Twelve different camera angles.
Smoke ascending from the streets of the city. Kastang!
Birds descending from the heavens,
like winged messengers from above, beckoning.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Confucius say, "Easy does it," skippy.
I can barely afford one camera, let alone 12. And no birds.
Monty! Talk to me about the budget!
We're $2 million over, and the studio hasn't approved the new budget.
When are they supposed to do that?
Tomorrow morning. You have a breakfast meeting at Marcus Duncan's house.
(MOCKINGLY) A breakfast meeting at Marcus Duncan's house.
Tell our little "vice president" he can drag his sorry butt to my place
if he wants to talk to the Wolf Man.
Actually, Sir,
he's not the V.P. anymore.
He's the president.
I see.
Get his address, then. We don't want to be late, do we?
Next!
For a big movie, you need a big stunt.
For a big stunt, you need serious media coverage.
I'm talking TV, print, that Internet crap. Everything.
Who's handling that?
I am. Jocelyn Davis, Senior V.P. of Publicity.
Sure you're not Senior V.P. of Twinkies?
MARTY: Funny.
I'll make sure the shoot is well-covered.
Terrific! Okay, people, meeting's over. What's next, Monty?
Cool.
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING) 12:30, stunt demonstration.
What do you think, Marty?
Perfect! What'd you think, Dusty?
Loved it!
Actually, I think I liked it better the first time I saw it,
in 1942, you dinosaur!
Vince, meet my new effects whiz, Lester Golub.
(SHUSHING) A pleasure to meet...
Lester is going to design the stunt on his iBook.
Your stunt guy will do whatever the computer tells him.
I don't need a computer to do my job.
Geek boy, ignore Father Time over here and get working.
From the looks of you, I'm sure you don't have a social life.
You two get together tomorrow to finalize the details.
I'm off tomorrow. I'm taking a personal day.
What was that? Personal day? What are you talking about, Vince?
I'm taking my granddaughter to a birthday party.
Oh...
May I? Sure.
That's great. Look at that.
The crazy hair. Man.
(EXCLAIMING)
(WHOOPING)
Oh, man. That's fun.
See, this is the movie business, grandpa! The talkies, you know?
You can take your personal day in a year or two, when you're dead!
JASON: Today we learned we're officially dealing with the meanest man alive!
All right, colored dye.
Check.
MegaGlue.
Check.
Oh, my God.
Grandma Pearl.
Bret must be in a living hell right now.
(GROANING)
How many more, Kaylee?
Fifty. I gotta get ripped, baby!
Yeah. Yeah. Feel the burn!
(GRUNTING)
I'm the best, baby! I'm the best!
You know, Grandma, you should think about getting into shape yourself.
One more, Grandma! One more!
It's all you! I ain't helping! Last one! Yeah!
(PHONE RINGING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello. Hi, Jas.
Hey, Dad.
Just called to see how you were doing.
I'm doing good. Staying out of trouble.
(MACHINE CLANGING)
What's that noise?
I'm doing an experiment for science class,
it's this thing with ball bearings and bells.
Sounds good.
I just called because you looked pretty upset when we left.
Yeah, well, about that, Dad.
I totally get what you said about the whole trust thing.
And when you get back, you'll see I've been trying really hard to earn it.
Glad to hear it, pal.
Good night, Dad. Good night.
Call forwarding, got to love it.
You really think this will work?
One day. That's all it'll take.
Wolf won't know what hit him.
Jas? A little help here.
Will your parents call?
They're in the middle of a canyon. There's no phones.
Thanks for coming out here with me.
I came for the adventure, remember?
Right.
Let's get some sleep. Tomorrow we launch Phase Two.
KAYLEE: Whoa!
(ALARM CLOCK BEEPING)
It's showtime, Mr. Funnybones.
(CHUCKLING)
You cute little monkey, you.
(IMITATING MONKEY)
Look out!
(EXCLAIMING)
(IN HIGH VOICE) Cut it out, Marty! Hey, that kills, Marty!
(CHORTLES)
MARTY: Hungry!
(SNAPPY POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Mr. Earpiece, meet Miss MegaGlue.
(WHOOPS)
(GROWLS)
Let's dance, Funnybones!
(WHOOPING)
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
(PHONE RINGS)
Marty Wolf Pictures. This is Monty.
Monty! Charisma from Marcus Duncan's office.
I'm temping for his second assistant.
I'm so psyched you're there, cookie. I was watching Charmed last night,
and just as Alyssa Milano put a spell on her cute demon boyfriend,
I had the biggest panic attack that I forgot to give you Duncan's new address.
I didn't know he moved. That was quick.
Yeah, in a big way. He bought like the sickest pad
in the 90210. We're talking mondo bucks.
(AFFECTED LAUGHTER)
Anyhoo, tell Mr. Wolf that Duncan lives at
867 North Maple Drive.
All right. Thanks. Got it.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
What?
It's Monty. I'm glad I caught you. Duncan moved.
Cancel the meeting. Get a makeup chick to meet me at the office. It's an emergency.
No, you cannot cancel the meeting.
If he doesn't approve the new budget we can't start shooting tomorrow.
(LAUGHS)
I don't think you understand. I'm blue.
Come on, now. We all have our off days.
No, I mean I'm literally...
And I've got orange...
(GRUNTS)
Come on, Wolf Man.
Forget it. Give me his address. I'll figure something out.
867 North Maple.
Copy that.
You come up with an ending for the script?
I'm working on it. I'm headed across the lot now to do some research.
But I could use a little help, Marty.
I'm writing and producing a major motion picture.
I don't have time to work on the script! That's your job.
Now stop wasting time and get to work!
I'm 24 hours away from the most important shoot of my career!
(EXCLAIMS)
(HORN BLARING)
Get glasses, grandma!
Up yours, blue boy!
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
(CAR LOCK CHIRPS)
(KNOCKING)
Yeah, I'm...
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Uh-huh.
Got the alarm codes?
(CAR LOCK CHIRPS) I'm all over it.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Sister, I invented the word "rough."
He'll be eating sugar cubes out of my hand when I'm finished with him.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Right.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
What the...
The clown!
Let's hurt him!
(SCREAMING)
Excuse me...
I need backup!
BOY: Incoming!
(ALL YELLING)
I'm a very powerful Hollywood producer!
What am I doing here?
Don't touch that. Don't touch.
You kids are all gonna be hearing from my lawyer!
Don't let him get away!
Get off of me!
You want to dance, kid? Let's dance!
(SCREAMING) You want a piece of me? You want a piece of me?
You're going down, clown! You're going down.
Bring it! I'm Marty Wolf! Do you have any idea who I am?
Come on, four eyes!
(GRUNTING)
Hey!
Heads up, clown!
(SCREAMING)
(YELLING)
BOY: You're not even funny, clown!
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
MONTY: Hello? Where the hell did you send me?
Because it sure wasn't Duncan's house!
How was I supposed to know?
Don't speak, just listen. You've got to get me in there with Duncan!
I'll just reschedule the meeting, Marty!
Jeez!
Okay, that's all you had to say.
Adiós, sugarpuff.
(SNARLS)
(CAR HORN BLARING)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(BLARING STOPS) What the...
(HORN TOOTING)
(POP MUSIC BLARING ON RADIO)
(EXCLAIMING)
Stop!
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
(SIREN WAILING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(CAR HORN HONKS)
Marty, I like your new coloring. It works for you.
You did this?
Yes. And it can end anytime.
All you have to do is make one phone call to my dad.
It shouldn't be much of a problem, since that headset is superglued to your ear.
Here's my dad's number.
Hiya!
Call me. Bye-bye.
Rotten kids!
(HORN BLARING)
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
Shepherd!
(EXCLAIMING)
(CAR HORN BLARING)
(CAR ALARM CONTINUES BLARING)
(SIGHS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(CAR LOCK CHIRPS)
Oh, my God! I'm going to kill you!
Take it easy, man. It wasn't my fault. The old bag rear-ended me.
Eat my bloomers, blue boy!
Very nice. That's really charming, from a woman of your advanced years.
Have a nice day!
It's just the tire. You'll pay for this!
All right, listen, Masher,
I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC BLARING)
Yeah, that's what I thought, tough guy!
Who's the tough guy now, pal?
Oh, no. Come on.
No, dude.
Back off, man! No way!
(WAILING)
Two meetings in a row, Monty.
This is not the way to get on the new president's good side.
I'm sorry, Sir.
I'm sure there must be some explanation.
They told me to pick up a little blue car.
They didn't say anything about a little blue man.
(LAUGHING)
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
You got the Wolf.
Where are you? I am at Duncan's office right now!
I'm...
I'm not going to make it. Tell him it's your fault and reschedule.
I'm not going to lie to the new President of the studio, Marty.
Don't get all high and mighty on me.
Because if I go down, you're riding shotgun, Tootsie Roll. Now make something up.
I'll smooth things over with him at the premiere.
Fine. Wolf out.
Hi, everybody. I'm Pat O'Brien and welcome to Tinseltown.
Here we are again, this time at
the world premiere of Marty Wolf's action-comedy, Whitaker and Fowl.
This must be a very exciting evening for you.
Yes. It's just good to get the past behind me,
and finally be taken seriously as an actor.
Can I give a shout-out?
Oh, God, it's the chicken!
(CLUCKING)
(CLAMORING)
It looks like all of Hollywood has turned out for this one.
But the question is, where is Marty Wolf?
WOMAN: Sweet Moses, what is that?
MAN: Don't look in his eyes.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(EXCLAIMS) Hey there, Marty.
Ready to end this?
(CHORTLING)
Kid, you have no idea who you are dealing with.
You think I care about a couple of little pranks?
Nah.
(LAUGHS)
See you around, Shep.
(DIALING CELL PHONE)
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Hello.
This is J-Dog calling K-Bird.
J-Dog calling K-Bird.
Jas, is that you?
I'm using code names. Wolf didn't throw in the towel. We're moving to Phase Three.
What's Phase Three?
We're going to our first Hollywood soirée.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't know what you think, but all of a sudden, it's like Bam! Bad movie!
Can you say boring?
I mean, when you did Saved by the Bell? Quality. Okay? Substance.
Worst film in the world.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(CLUCKING)
Whoa!
There he is! El presidente!
(VOCALIZING)
(EXCLAIMS)
And his wife, the very lovely Shaniqua.
It's Shandra.
Great to see you. I think they loved it! Don't you?
I think that sad excuse for a movie just lost the studio $30 million.
I'm pulling the plug on Big Fat Liar. What?
It's over, Wolf.
Just hear me out!
The truth is...
Would you excuse us please, Shananny?
The truth is
I missed those meetings because I had an incredible breakthrough on BFL,
which I was working on all day.
I wanted to wait until we were in front of the entire industry
to make my presentation.
One chance is all I'm giving you.
That's all I need.
Strap on your seat belt, Dr. Duncanstein, because you are about to be blown away.
Monty!
Sorry. Marty!
What's going on? What is this big presentation you're giving about the movie?
I have no idea!
None!
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
None.
I can help you.
Why do you keep showing up in my life?
Sounds like you need to come up with a big idea for Big Fat Liar.
(SCOFFS) What, some 10-year-old kid
is going to tell me how to fix my entire movie?
First of all, I'm 14. Second of all, I created the story.
You think I can't at least come up with a few good twists?
No...
You mean that this kid really did write Big Fat Liar?
No. He wrote a little English paper
with the same title. Big deal.
(STAMMERING)
Don't do it, Jason.
Kid, I swear to you,
you get me out of this mess,
and I'll tell your dad you wrote Big Fat Liar,
Erin Brockovich and Saving Private Ryan, too.
Ladies and gentlemen, friends,
if I could have your attention for just a moment, please.
You're all probably wondering why I'm blue and orange.
(CROWD LAUGHING)
No, just go with me for a second.
You see, Big Fat Liar,
BFL, "Biffle," as it has come to be known,
is full of action, romance, effects,
you bet. But what it lacks right now is a message.
Trooper's girlfriend makes a new potion.
Which is supposed to make him shrink, but instead it causes him to change color.
Why?
Because now the twist is,
he can't lie about his feelings anymore.
You see, his girlfriend, Penny, she makes Trooper an antidote,
which, instead of curing him, causes him to change colors.
When he's bummed out, he turns blue.
When he's depressed, he turns blue.
When he's mad, his hair turns red.
When he's angry, boom,
his curly locks turn the color of a flaming brushfire.
But when he discovers the ultimate truth,
that he's in love with Penny,
the softest shade of pink
finds it's way across his visage.
I didn't tell him that.
What are you doing? You're not listening to me.
Just stick to the plan...
(GROANS)
I'm sorry. The emotions in this movie are just so painful.
They're painful because
they hit home right here, in the old corazón.
Who among us hasn't told a little white lie?
MAN: I have. Anybody else? You?
MAN 2: Guilty. You?
It's all right, don't be ashamed. I am right there with you.
Because our picture looks the audience right in the eye,
and says, "Enough is enough!"
The lying has got to stop!
The truth and the truth alone shall set ye free! Friends!
God bless all of you! God bless America!
And God bless Big Fat Liar!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Very impressive, Marty.
Does this mean that you will approve the budget?
You start shooting tomorrow. That's great.
But if anything, and I mean anything, goes wrong,
your movie, your deal at the studio,
and your career is over. You hear me?
Okay.
(EXCLAIMS)
(CHORTLES)
Shepherd, you are a genius, buddy.
(EXCLAIMING)
Ready to make that call?
Time to let my fingers do the walking.
Here's my dad's phone number.
Daddy.
(DIALING)
Hello, this is Marty Wolf.
I'm standing here in my kitchen with Jason Shepherd.
I'm looking at him as we speak.
And you better bring backup.
Weren't you on the phone with my dad?
I was on the phone, but it ain't with your old man.
You're a real piece of work. Who are you?
Rocco Malone, head of security at Wolf Pictures.
Thanks for all your help, kid.
Saving my butt twice in one year. Who would have thunk it?
Let's go. You, too, Punky Brewster.
You can't do this! We have a witness!
First lesson in Hollywood, sweetheart: Always get it in writing!
What a day.
ROCCO: Here's the deal.
The two of you are going to get on a plane, go back home,
and forget this ever happened. Clear?
Good. Let's go get you two guys packed up.
I can't believe we're just going to give up.
You're Jason Shepherd. You can get out of anything.
Come on. You must have a Phase Four up your sleeve.
Yeah, I guess I do.
(DIALING CELL PHONE)
HARRY: Hello? Dad, it's Jason.
I haven't...
I haven't been totally honest about what I've been up to the last couple days.
And I think it's time I told you the truth.
The truth?
Hey, Rocco.
Hey.
Why don't you head home? I'll take the kids to the airport.
You sure?
I'll be up all night rewriting Wolf's script anyway, so it's no problem.
All right, then. I'm getting too old for this babysitting anyway.
Take it easy. Good night.
Good night.
The worst part of this whole thing is, Wolf is just going to keep getting away with it.
He treats people like dirt and no one stands up to him!
Forget it, Kaylee.
I can't forget it! It makes me sick
your parents will never know you wrote that story!
What can we do? My parents will be here in the morning! We tried everything!
It'd take an army to get Wolf to admit the truth!
I think I know where we can find our troops.
What are you doing here?
I've been pushed around by Wolf for too long.
Tomorrow, his whole career is on the line.
So are you guys up for one last fight?
Jas?
It's payback time.
You gots to look good for the first day of shooting.
Do you copy that, Mr. Funnybones?
(IN HIGH VOICE) That's a big 10-4, Marty.
(CHUCKLES)
(WHOOPS)
I've brought you all here tonight for two reasons.
A: You're all the best in your given fields.
AND B: You all despise this man.
A lot.
Gang, let's roll up our sleeves and get to work.
Let's begin. Assignments.
Red team, you stall him until my parents get to the set.
That's it. One more! That's it!
Blue team, I need your help in the distract and delay tactics.
Gold team, you are responsible for mental warfare.
To get what we need, we are talking
complete physical and psycho-emotional breakdown, people!
(EXCLAIMING)
I want to see a broken man.
I'm talking broken like, "I threw a baseball through your window."
Snap him like a twig.
Squeeze him like a bug!
I want you to turn him into mincemeat! And I don't even know what mincemeat is!
I want him to scream for his mommy.
(SCREAMING)
"Mommy! Mommy!" You hear me, people?
Do you read me?
I think they read you.
Fair enough.
JASON: Guys?
I just got one thing to say.
It's showtime. It's showtime.
You from the studio? Yes, Sir.
Don't I know you? Yeah, you do.
Frank Jackson. I was your driver last year till you fired me.
Fabulous!
The acting career must really be taking off. Bravo, Brando.
Get moving. I don't want to be late.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
MARTY: Monty, it's me.
Hey, Marty. You get some rest for the big day?
Are you kidding me? I spent half the night with a scrub brush and a can of turpentine.
But, bye-bye, Little Boy Blue! I am back!
Hey!
Pedal to the metal, Ricky Retardo! I got a movie to shoot!
(CAR RATTLING)
Sorry, Sir. There seems to be something wrong with the car.
(SIGHS)
I'll fix it.
Hot smoke. Very hot smoke.
(BLOWING)
What the hell is happening here?
Stay right there.
No, Mr. Wolf, don't come up here. We have a situation.
The carbide lateral valve is connected to the defibrillator and it's acting up.
The point is, it could blow anytime.
You might want to back up. Back up.
What are you saying?
The engine's fried. I need a backup car.
Are you kidding me? My movie starts shooting in an hour!
Mr. Wolf, please, I would very much appreciate it if you didn't yell at me, okay?
Mmm-mmm.
I want to do right. Don't.
Don't touch, dude! Do not touch!
Don't.
Hey!
Everything okay here?
Urkel. Jaleel. Oh, my God. My man.
You got to get me out of here, buddy.
Hop in.
No! Mr. Wolf, please. Mr. Wolf, no.
Could you unlock it?
No! Mr. Wolf, please! Drive.
Sayonara, loser!
(SOBBING)
F-Man to J-Dog. The Baton has been passed.
JASON: Roger that, F-Man. Well done.
Who's a bad actor now, Mr. Wolf? Those were real tears!
K-Bird, the Baton has been passed.
Got it!
Nice car!
TV money! I didn't wear those glasses and suspenders all those years for free!
That's a relief. Do you know where you're going?
I'm taking a shortcut.
Put your seat back and relax, old man. You're in Jaleel's hands now.
Okay.
(WHOOPS)
MARTY: You're going to fishtail!
That was close.
(WHOOPING)
JALEEL: Yeah, baby!
Where in the hell are you taking me?
I told you. I know a shortcut.
Through the desert?
Slow down, you maniac! I'm getting out!
It's your call.
I'll do it. Do what you got to do!
I'm getting out!
Go!
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
Not bad.
Yo, Jaleel at the wheel.
The condor has flown the Coop.
Roger, J-Dub. Wait. What does that mean?
It means I'm leaving Wolf in the middle of the desert. Urkel is out.
(WHOOPS)
(GRUNTS)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Monty, it's me.
Hey, Marty. Is everything okay?
No, no, everything is fine. Except...
Yeah, I'm stuck in the middle of the desert!
Do you hear what I am saying to you?
The what?
The desert.
Get me out of here. How?
I don't care how, Monty! Just do it!
Ready to go wolf hunting?
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)
I borrowed the chopper from the shoot. You're in good hands.
I flew 49 combat missions in Vietnam.
Save me the sob story, Methuselah!
I already sat through Platoon!
Just get me to the set.
(LAUGHING)
This is Father Time. We're headed your way.
Roger, F.T.
They're airborne. Copy that.
Let's punch a hole in the sky, grandpa! Go! Go! Go!
(YELLING)
Let's get a tail wind behind this bird, old-timer!
Go, go, go!
Brando to Base. The sheep has located the Shepherds and we're coming home.
Yes!
(BEEPING)
Oh, boy.
What's that? What's happening?
One of our blades is jammed! We're going to have to do a forced evac!
What are you talking about?
We got to jump! This bird is going down!
Vince.
Vince?
Are you kidding me?
No, but I wish I was.
You'll have to hold on tight. We've only got one chute.
I hope it supports us both.
Wait a minute. This is insanity!
Vince, have you done this before?
Don't worry, Wolf, I'm a professional.
Granddad's been doing this a long, long time.
(SCREAMING)
(BEEPING)
This is Chopper One to Control.
Papa Bear and the Wolf have left the building.
Not like this!
Sweet God, not like this!
(SCREAMING)
Hello, Sir.
Where's Wolf?
Late.
Bad.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
I'm on the lot, Monty! I'll be there in a minute!
Marty.
I'm not lying. Stall Duncan another second, okay? I'm coming.
Hey, Wolf.
How's it hanging, Shepherd?
(SQUEAKS)
(GASPS)
Give me back my monkey.
Come get him.
You two, good-bye!
I'm coming, Funnybones!
(EXCLAIMING)
Coming through!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Move it!
(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING)
(CHORTLING)
Look out!
Come on!
Right behind you, Shepherd!
You can't outrun the Wolf, kid!
We'll see about that.
Hang on, Funnybones! Daddy's coming!
He's all yours, Lester.
Activate water.
(SCREAMING)
Who's the geek boy now, you spaz?
This is it, Monty. If he's not here in 60 seconds, this movie is over.
Right there is where the big stunt is taking place.
This way.
(IN HIGH VOICE) Help. Come and rescue me, Marty.
Feets, don't fail me now.
(ROARING)
(BOTH GRUNT)
(SQUEAKS)
(GRUNTS)
Let go of the monkey.
Call my dad.
Never. Yes.
No!
That's it, kid. It's over! You lose and I win!
I don't think so, Wolf.
You don't think so?
Come on, Jason. You're smarter than that.
You write a story, I steal it,
and I'm about to shoot the greatest movie of my career.
So, you admit you stole my story?
We've been over this. It's ancient history.
Yeah, I stole your story!
Whoop-Dee-doodle-doo!
You happy now?
I stole Jason Shepherd's paper and turned it into Big Fat Liar!
You know who's listening, pal? No one.
And they never will.
So, for the last time, give it up. Because I will never, ever, ever,
like, never, ever, ever, ever,
ever infinity tell the truth.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Because the truth is overrated, right?
That's right! MAN: And cut.
I told you, Wolf. The only way to shoot this scene
is from 12 different camera angles, with birds flying around.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
By the by,
Confucius say, "Kastang!"
"You're busted!"
Rock and roll, baby.
It's just like you wanted, Wolf!
The press is all here!
You stole the idea for this movie from a 13-year-old boy?
Well, he's...
He's 14.
This is the end of the line, Wolf. It's over.
(GRUNTS)
Wolf, I want to say thanks.
You taught me a valuable lesson.
The truth?
It's not overrated.
(SCOFFING)
I am going to get you, Shepherd!
(JASON SCREAMING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(PEOPLE GASPING)
(CROWD CLAPPING)
You did all this just to prove you weren't lying?
I wanted to earn your trust back, Dad.
You've earned it, buddy. You've earned it.
(MARTY SHOUTS)
We've got a movie to shoot!
Come on! Let's make some magic.
The human hit factory is ready to roll!
(SNICKERS)
Let's go.
Where do you think you're going?
You cannot turn your backs on me!
I'm Marty Wolf!
All right, fine! Fine!
You're all fired!
MAN: You suck, Marty.
You certainly know how to make an entrance.
What can I say?
I got big feet.
(GIGGLES)
You were right, Penny. The truth? It's not overrated.
(APPLAUSE)
(WHOOPS)
(EXCLAIMING)
Congratulations. It was incredible.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
It's showtime.
Hey, kids. I'm Wolfie the Clown.
(WHOOPS)
(IN HIGH VOICE) And I'm Mr. Funnybones! Happy Birthday, Darren.
Oh, my God!
Oh, no.
Yo, Little Mash, show him your nutcracker.
(SCREAMING)
(KIDS CHEERING)
(YELLING)
(THUDDING)
(KIDS SIGH)